Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Fear

This is just something that has been on my mind. Sometimes I feel like we live in a constant state of fear; ie: The cost of health insurance is ridiculous, but if I don't have it and something horrible happens, the cost of health care is far worse. The fear that makes us question everything.
Last week on two separate occasions I happened upon 2 unfortunate souls. On both occasions I was driving either to or from home with my kids in the van. The first, I was at a stop light and glanced around. I noticed for the first time a little park (1 bench, some flowers, a trash can, and a sign indicating that it was indeed a park), perhaps because there was an elderly woman with what looked like all of her possessions in a bag beside her on the ground. She did not have much of a coat, and she seemed to be getting ready to take a nap. I couldn't help but feel like I should turn around at the light and go and talk to this woman. I wanted to offer her a warm meal, a bed to sleep in, or even just a listening ear. But, there was the fear. What if she's unstable, what if she has some contagious disease? I have my kids with me. I can't put them at risk. If it were just me, I would stop. Or would I? When Have I seen thee naked and clothed thee? An hungered and fed thee? If I want to teach my children to be kind, shouldn't they see me being kind?
On the second occasion, we were just leaving our alley way and I noticed a woman walking along the side of the road. She was obviously having an inner struggle as she twitched and cursed out loud as well as in sign language. (I think it was sign language) But what I noticed next was that she did not have on any shoes. Her feet were dark black from the dirt and tar stains and she walked on the side of them. What could I do to help? It was obvious that she was unstable. Bringing her back to our home was clearly not the wisest idea. Did I have any shoes that I could give her? If I went back to find some, would I be able to find her again? What if she doesn't accept, and then I end up making the kids late for school and they're wondering why that strange lady just spit on their mother. Again, the fear.
It's crippling. If at the moment a thought of kindness comes into our minds and hearts and we act immediately wouldn't we be able to make things so much better in this world. But, there's not even time to act before the doubt and the fear take over.
Does anyone else feel this?
Because we believe in a divine spirit that can lead us in the right direction and keep us from danger, shouldn't I be able to have a faith strong enough that I could essentially live without fear. Your mind would be free from doubt and uncertainty because you would have the assurity of the spirit to clear it away. That is my goal. To increase my faith to the point that I can truly live in the world and not be of the world. Does that make sense? What better protection could I afford to give my children?

5 comments:

Clinesville said...

You know how I feel about crazy people! I just worry that you're going to bring some strange person to your home...please don't.

Clinesville said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amber said...

I'm so glad your alive!!!! And Blogging! Oh How I have missed you so! And I'm a bad friend for not calling. I too have these feelings that you do. How many times have I wanted to help someone stuck on the side of the road, but am scared that I'll be the next lady found dead in the river...The elections coming up make me scared...Not being prepared enough makes me scared...But I try to live day to day knowing that our father will take care of us...By the way Josh got called to be second counselor of the elder's quorum this week. His work was not finished in texas...This might be the longest comment ever! I've just missed you so!

Amber said...

Also, that was totally not what I was expecting as your first blog since THANKSGIVING! But it was very intriguing!

Clinesville said...

"The fear" of you never posting again has come.